Revisiting my past through present day Chinese New Year in Singapore

It’s been a while since I’d last written a post about my personal life.

I had so many thoughts about how to structure this blog piece - should I talk about elements of celebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore? Should I write about the origination of Chinese New Year and how that has evolved into modern day celebrations?

I decided to write this post like how I would a diary. I’ve got so many mixed feelings and thoughts about this trip that it’ll take me some time to sort them out if I’m looking to articulate with purpose… time that I don’t think I should be spending.

So I’m just gonna vomit my thoughts here, don’t mind me.

🤮

I was back in Singapore from 5-22 February.

Dates were a deliberate overlap with Chinese New Year, which would begin on 10 February. I was excited. Really excited in the lead up to it. For one, I love Chinese New Year. My favorite holiday to celebrate!! Two, Lynnette would be with me. Sister time! Our relationship has significantly improved ever since we’d gotten older so yes, I looked forward to seeing her again. I was hoping that she’d take me shopping, make me try on new stuff, refresh my wardrobe. I was kinda excited about local food too, but I try not to think too much about it. Can’t get too obsessed with Singaporean food, Joan, coz there’s none here in Boston and you can’t cook to save your life.

When was the last time I was back for Chinese New Year?

2018.

The last time I’d celebrated Chinese New Year in Singapore was 2018! 6 YEARS of no favorite holiday I mean c'mon... I have suffered.

I wish I’d taken more photos then, but as it is, I have a measly three:

Two photos of the folks at the gambling tables. Kids and young adults play Black Jack, full-fledged adults play Mahjong.

Take me back in time, I wanna be back at those tables. I wanna sit there, right in that empty spot between Si Zhim and Gor Zek where I’ll get to play with Xue Li, Joyston, Jubi, Wen Jie, Dong Dong and Aaron. Maybe Ah Gong would deal and we’d all sit in a big circle in the living room, on the marble floors and I’ll get to play with Ah Gong just like I did when I was a child.

I’m glad to at least have this photo with Ah Gong. I don’t think I have any other, so this one of us - with my horribly bleached hair and Ah Gong not even looking at the camera - will do.

I have none with Ah Ma.

I regret that. Why do I not have a photo with her? Oh I know why. It’s because whenever we visited her it would be during special occasions- Chinese New Year, birthdays… some uncle who won the lottery and was made to throw a buffet for the family. Out of stupid superstition I did not let myself contemplate her death on those “auspicious” occasions and so did not think to “take a photo with grandma in case she dies”.

And now, I regret that. I regret that coz I miss her and I’m afraid my memory will fade and I would one day forget her face.

I remember 2018’s Chinese New Year to be familiarly cheerful, albeit a little subdued.

Ah Ma always bothered with having lion dance troops at the house on the first day of Chinese New Year when she was alive. I mean, she wouldn’t just have one lion - she’d have a pair! I remember being so afraid of them when I was younger because… they looked demonic. They were never friendly-looking. Did Ah Ma not pay the troop well to be assigned lions in cheerful colors?

Coz we always got scary looking ones that looked like this:

And never this:

In typical patriarchal fashion, Ah Gong was never in-charge of household matters, so after Ah Ma’s passing there were simply no more lion dance performances happening in his house.

I miss having them- the familiar rhythm, beat and clashing of cymbals that have always represented a happy occasion.

Lucky for me, I’ve become the de facto organizer of Singaporean events happening in Boston!

I made the call this year to hire a troop!

Thank you, MIT Lion Dance Troop, for that cheerful-looking lion. I really like the photo where it looked like the lion was gonna eat that kid.

I’m trying to get back to my train of thoughts about heading back and spending Chinese New Year, but I think I’ve just opened Pandora’s Box. I’ve got all these loose memories bombarding me.

So much has changed since 2018.

Ah Gong passed in 2019.

The family sold The House in 2022.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to The House. The House that housed childhood memories of me playing games with my cousins, of having steamboat Reunion Dinners the night before New Year’s, BBQs to celebrate Christmas (no one cared about Jesus; almost everyone was a Buddhist), eating durians that came from the tree that Dad planted, me throwing a ball and almost bringing down the chandelier. I’m flooded with mundane memories of time spent at The House- just walking around, eating, washing hands, petting the dog.

I wish I could just have a chance to touch the house to say my thanks and goodbyes. I know exactly where I would stand to carry this out - the outdoor kitchen.

I know I sound so crazy saying this.

Funny it actually just stuck me why I’d always get family members visiting my gut-renovated listings of homes that they’d once spent time in. I always thought it was driven by curiosity.

But that’s not it, is it?

Writing down my feelings has actually made me realize that it’s all about closure. To know - and see - that a chapter’s done.

I haven’t got that chance.

So here I am, staring at a 2009 image of The House from Google Maps.

Ah Ma would have been home the day Google took this image. No shoes on the landing meant it wasn’t a special occasion where the extended family was around. A regular day. What was she doing? Was she cooking? Watching TV?

2012:

Ah Ma had passed a year before. No red banner on the entrance way. Ah Gong was still mourning her death.

And then The House today:

I can’t say it doesn’t look better than before. The real estate agent in me is fine with this look - a fresh start for the new owners, contemporary, clean and white.

White and wiped of our past.

Gates that I can no longer freely open. A yard I’m no longer entitled to walk over.

No longer the house we could rely on for Chinese New Year gatherings.

I knew heading back this year that we had lost our venue. What was I hoping for? I was hoping for someone to step up. Someone to offer a space, a solution, a condo clubhouse booking - anything to bring the extended family together again.

No one did.

Yeah, not even my parents. Mom did want to invite some selected family members to our home, but did not even manage to pull that off.

I saw some true colors.

I guess I always knew that there were cracks. Hard not to when there are 12 other paternal uncles and aunts plus 26 cousins, but family division got real once the patriarch passed.

It hit me that I’m on my own now.

I’m no longer that child that could depend on the adults to do the right thing. The adults were not interested in having the whole family together! They were actually ok not knowing the names of my cousins’ newborns.

See, when Ah Gong and Ah Ma were alive we’d have the Reunion Dinner with the extended family on the eve of Chinese New Year. Over 60 members of the family all gathered over round tables for steamboat. There’s a saying that the family that spends the last evening of the lunar new year together would be together the next year.

We did not have Reunion Dinner with the extended family. Surprise, surprise, there was no family gathering over Chinese New Year too.

A part of me died on Reunion Dinner evening when I stayed home and had a quiet meal with Mom and Lynnette. Lynnette had her friend over to join us; Dad was out with his friends. Some bullshit version of the Reunion Dinner it was.

I don’t blame Mom. Mom’s not a fan of cooking, so I appreciated that she took time to order some traditional dishes from a restaurant in advance.

It was just not the tradition that I was looking for.

I tried hard to brush aside feelings of sadness and loss and took to scheduling home visits to my friends’ instead. As I’m not often home for Chinese New Year; I figured let’s just make this one count.

I prepped my Ang Pows the night before.

I love giving out Ang Pows. People think I’m crazy for saying that.

“You love giving out money? What’s wrong with you?”

Well, for one, I love being married. Giving out Ang Pows reflects my marital status so hell yeah! TAKE THAT MONEY AND KNOW THAT I’M HAPPILY MARRIED!

Two, I love knowing that I’m making a kid happy.

I was that kid on the receiving end for many years! I can relate! It’s not even about the money inside the Ang Pow, it’s honestly about how many Ang Pows I could collect over Chinese New Year.

I went to bed a little happier knowing that I would be giving out Ang Pows over the next few days.

Here’s Lynnette, Toffee and I on Day 1 of Chinese New Year.

Toffee’s still not my best friend.

Mom would not let us go until she was done taking a bazillion photos. I know deep down she’s really happy at having her daughters home for Chinese New Year.

I had Lynnette take a photo of me with a pair of mandarin oranges so that I could send it to Ralf’s dad to wish him a happy Chinese New Year too. He was very amused that I was holding those oranges near my chest. Däd! 😂

I made Yiyao come pick me up on the morning of Day 1 so my mom could in turn see Rachel and little Casper.

Ok fine, if I’m being completely honest, I made Yiyao come pick me because I wasn’t sure I was going to get a taxi on the first day of Chinese New Year and did not want to ruin my hair and make up by waiting in the sweltering heat.

What are best friends for if you can’t abuse lean on them from time to time?

I enforced a visit to Ruolin’s parents’ home.

If I’m not gonna have an extended family gathering over Chinese New Year I’ma extend myself into my best friends’ family gatherings.

Their parents love me. I know they do. I’m obviously welcomed.

So first stop: Ruolin’s parents’ home.

Casper loves giving out oranges.

Callie’s just over people and wants to be left alone.

I’m laughing uncontrollably having discovered the bizarre things my friends do to get their kid’s attention. There was a song about a blueberry. Lots of hand actions. Fools!

Thumbs up to 21 years’ of friendship. I don’t think I tell my friends as often enough how much I love them.

We made their spouses and kids give the thumbs up as well.

We headed off to visit Yiyao’s parents after we were done visiting Ruolin’s.

It’s been many years since I’d last stepped into this house, nostalgia hitting me as I see it filled with familiar faces.

I could care less about the composition of my photos. There’s nothing more beautiful and heartwarming than the chaos of Chinese New Year.

Casper again with the handing out of oranges. 😍

I’m obviously not making a fool of myself so I did not get the kids’ attention.

And then there were the snacks.

They have evolved since I last had them! I did not know that traditional Chinese New Year snacks could embrace change, but there they were, Level 2.0 this year.

They weren’t just the standard love letters and pineapple tarts. There were earl grey macadamia cookies, salted egg yolk crackers and butterfly pea something else.

They were awesome!

There were 4 other house visits over the next fews days after I was done visiting Ruolin and Yiyao’s parents.

I also did an unusually high number of Lo Hei this year.

4, I think?

Here’s Lynnette presiding over a Lo Hei. She actually researched the auspicious meaning behind the ingredients and read them properly before mixing them in.

The Lo Hei that I had everywhere else had their meaning improvised haha!

Besides house visits, I did quite a bit of walking around Singapore.

There was never such free time nor the need for my presence to be anywhere but The House when Ah Gong and Ah Ma were alive. That was the center of gravity; no one in my family thought twice about it.

But now that things have changed… I guess I better get used to the new normal.

Singapore’s beautiful.

Dressed in festive colors and decorations, she’s stunning.

Ending my post here with a bit of weight off my chest.

Writing this has allowed my to exorcise my inner demons, I think.

I realized that I had grandparent issues. Cried lots when I was writing about them. I love you, Ah Ma and Ah Gong, even if I’ve never once said those words to you.

Putting down those thoughts about not having my extended family with me has made me recognize my responsibility going forward- I’m gonna have to plan in advance and organize a family gathering the next time I’m back. It is I, who will step up.

My story is not all tragedy.

In the midst of my melancholy, I come to realize that I’ve got so many groups of friends who love me- folks who open their doors to have me just because I’m back visiting.

I feel so lucky, and am beyond grateful. ❤️

I was happy to chance upon a reminder of America while walking around Singapore. Here’s signing off with a photo of Chihuly’s Ethereal White Persians.

The installation of Chihuly’s Ethereal White Persians can be found at the Cloud Forest Dome at the Gardens by the Bay, Singapore.